Hello and welcome to my diary, this is one of the very first diary entries and also probably one of the longer ones too. I guess at the moment I'm a little unhappy with things, I dropped out of college, am $4,000 in debt, and feel lonely. That sounds really bad but I suppose I'm not completely at a loss. With the time and pressure building I've started to pick up some interesting little hobbies: like web development and programming along with learning guitar!
I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I feel lost. I'm supposed to transfer to this engineering university to finish off my degree but I'm having thoughts that I might want to do computer engineering or IT or computer science as opposed to mechanical engineering like I was supposed to go into after finishing physics. I've also been telling my family that I have an internship coming up when I'm not even sure that the company I applied to will accept my resume. This is also in addition to the fact that I want to move out and get away from family and start my own life but can't due to costs at the current moment.
I feel old. I'm in a Discord with other nekoweb users and everyone there isn't even in college, it makes me realize that I've wasted so much time doing nothing (although, that's not entirely my fault and other people in my situation would've struggled as well), last night I was just thinking about where I even wanted to take my life, what I wanted to become and it's hard to predict those things when you're unsure of yourself. Between career ideas, like working more with computers, to personal aspects like gender expression
It feels like my problems stem from me wanting to achieve an ideal that's just unrealistic for most people, which is why I feel so lonely all of the time it's not possible for normal people to meet my expectations anymore. I've always feel like I'm being bombarded with noise and distruption and chaos, sometimes I wonder if I'll just be happy at any point.